If you find yourself alone, riding in green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled.

Morbid title aside (it's just really nice here and I couldn't find a better quote about weather), things are good today. I woke up early so I could go to Starbucks and get the best beverage they make (venti pumpkin spice latte). Seriously, if you haven't had one, well if not, why am I talking to you? Go get one and then come back.

Ok, have your beverage? Is it as delicious as you imagined? Good.

Anyway. I've been reading a new series (The Kingkiller Chronicles), and the first book is stupendous. Seriously. If you at all enjoy fantasy, pick it up and enjoy. I was up till 1 a.m. last night reading and munching on pita chips while the small fuzzy thing looked at me forlornly because I didn't share (more than a few at least).

It feels good to be reading again; as much as I enjoy watching TV and movies, I have yet to find an episode of any show that can be as powerful as a well written chapter of a great book. Ok, scratch that. It is rare to find an episode; I just remembered a couple from Scrubs, The West Wing, and Futurama (oh Seymour, best dog ever). But besides the occasion glimpse of glory, you rarely (or at least I rarely) get the oomph I so crave from TV.

So with that, here is a quote from Robin Williams, back when he was awesome, as Batty, from FernGully: The Last Rainforest.

"-First thing, all these trees go. Then come your highways, then come your shopping malls, and your parking lots, and your convenience stores, and then come... Price check on prune juice, Bob. Price check on prune juice."

And you always seem outnumbered; you don't dare make a stand

Well, sharing this blog with a new friend got me inspired to write again. Well, technically, I have been writing recently, just not in a public (is this public? do people actually see this?) forum. Esquire has this sweet short story contest, where you have to keep it to 78 words. So I've been working on that whenever the mood strikes. I think I've narrowed it down to 3 possible entries, and so I don't lose them somewhere, enjoy:

She gave it to him. All the songs made sense. All the poetry, the flowers, the chocolates, the little shiny silver picture frame, the million fucking little things, they all clicked. She smiled at him from behind the glass.

But time passed.

A silver picture frame, tarnished by the world, dredged up memories, plumber at an old farmhouse, shoved into the back of a dusty cardboard box, not forgotten, but buried deep, shovel by shovel, like she was.

He put down the paper cup, the warmth of the peppermint latte just starting to sear his hands, fresh from their mittens. The beverage scorched its way down his throat as he slumped against the back of the wooden chair, watching the snow slowly fall from the sky, like freshly grated parmesan cheese.

The road less traveled, he mused. They can keep it.

He stood, put on his hat and mittens, and stepped out into the fading afternoon.

His eyes barely open, he crawled towards the beckoning, flickering glow of the dying florescent bulb. The carpet, encrusted with assorted dried fluids, bodily and otherwise, scratched his hands and knees as he made his desperate pilgrimage.

Inch by inch he crossed the sticky linoleum, feeling the grime cling to his flesh as he struggled on.

Arriving at the caked porcelain toilet, he pulled himself to a slump, the passing of time taking him as his eyes closed.

I know that first one seems pretty depressing, and that third one sounds pretty gross, but I actually had fun writing them. Didn't someone famous say writing is cathartic or something? Even if it isn't, I enjoy finding the right words to evoke not only images, but feelings. It's not great writing (or oratory), if you don't feel it pull at you when you see or hear it. After all, isn't that the point of communication? If we just wanted to share information, why would we need inflection and tone and so many different words? It all boils down to emotions.

Speaking of emotions, things are going confusing, as usual. On the plus side, I'm starting to feel more content in Midland (slowly, but surely) but at the same time, it's the time of year that things are happening elsewhere, and all the FaceBook (yay social media) posts are making me yearn to be back in the mountains, or the bay. However, they (the mythical they I referenced a few posts back) say the desert is teeming with life, you just have to look harder. So consider this me looking harder.

I will leave you with some philosophy of one Roy McAvoy from Tin Cup:

-"You know why I still hit that shot?

Yeah, because it's the only way you could beat Dave Simms.

-No.

'Cause it was that look in your face...

-I hit it again because that shot was a defining moment, and when a defining moment comes along, you define the moment... or the moment defines you."

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

Why hello there internet, didn't see you!

Ok, cheesy intro aside, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm a little bummed that my Bonsai Tree starter kit hasn't shown up yet (getting the urge to grow small trees and do tiny little cuts and wirings), but I also found a website that sells (get this) blocks of briar wood already drilled for carving into a pipe! Seriously, how awesome is that? I can sit in my backyard and whittle a pipe and be all old timey. I need to grow a pimpin' mustache and beard, and start referring to back in the day. Like "back in my day, we used to have Muppets that had peoples' hands inside them" or "back in my day, we would fight over what team was better, the Blue Barracudas or the Green Monkeys (Barracudas!)."

I'm heading down to Las Cruces, NM, to hang out with the lady friend for the night, and then to Artesia for the weekend. Should be fun, I haven't gotten to see her just one on one yet, so really looking forward to any shenanigans that may ensue. And I always have a good time with the gentlemen.

I am still confused about my future, but I think I've been taking positive steps towards establishing myself in a community someday. Watch out for "Reid Edwards for Mayor" signs coming soon to a town near you!

I think I'll leave you with a quote from Back to the Future: Part 1.

"Oh, my god, they found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it Marty.

-Who? Who?

Who do you think? The Libyans!"

This song is for the rats, who hurl themselves into the ocean

I know its been for-fucking-ever since I updated this thing, and maybe that's good. Maybe putting every thought I get out into the blog-o-sphere isn't always the best idea. Maybe I need to stop using dashes in every sentence I type here. I don't really know. I do know that even though not everything I say should go online, sometimes you just need to ramble.

So, my garden is getting there. I have no idea if the plants are going to be ok with the amount of light/heat, but I'm trying my best. Sometimes it's nice to do a reverse-Fight Club (I wanted to create something beautiful). On that note, my bonsai trees show up in the next day or so, so that should be a fun new hobby. It's probably not healthy burying myself in hobbies rather than facing living, but it is much easier.

God, I sound morose.

EDIT: Just realized I didn't end with a movie quote. From The Usual Suspects (I have no idea why this fits, but it does. Don't think about it)

"You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. he's gone. "

Your argument precludes the possibility of a no win scenario.

I had a pretty unremarkable weekend. My boss set me up with golf lessons on friday, so after leaving work I headed over to the driving range-place. I will say the pro really knows what he is doing (which makes sense, being a pro and all). He told me I have to hit at least one bucket of balls every day in between lessons, so I did that. It's kinda nice, getting away and just not worrying about anything. On the other hand, there might be too much escapism going on. I just get tired of being disappointed over and over. That sounds really whiney and bitchey, but I don't know how else to explain how I feel. It just feels like nothing is really stable; the people I was accustomed to talking to suddenly are MIA, my usual music isn't providing the feelings I'm used to; I just feel sort of lost.

Maybe I will attempt to link my life to the movie I watched last night. Now, I know I've already used Waiting in a post before, but it just feels so applicable. Now, I know I'm not working as a waiter, or working part time, or trying to go back to college to finish my degree, or any of the other problems faced by the protagonists. But seriously, find me a movie about corporate youth feeling disenfranchised please.

I guess it's just the way it is.

No movie quote today. Nothing comes to mind.

Mind the sword, mind the people watch, mind enemy - Too many mind

So last night fencing was awesome. Matt was instructing me about different parries (4,6,7,8, if you're interested) and I felt pretty good that I knew which one was which. So he starts attacking me, seeing if I'm using the correct parry. After a few minutes, I got kinda bored of parrying and backing up, so when he trust to a 4 parry, I rolled my blade over his and got the touch on the back of his shoulder. He kinda stopped, and looked at me, and told me to do it again. So I did. Apparently, that's an advanced riposte, that they normally teach you after a while of basic parries and ripostes. Sweet.

On that note, I think fencing is my new snowboarding. Not in the sense that I will abandon everything else and focus exclusively on that, but in the sense that fencing allows me to shut everything else off. While snowboarding, it wasn't uncommon for me to just put my headphones, and spend an entire day without saying a word to another person. It was easier to just lose yourself in the music and the ride, feeling every slight bump and slope under your feet and adjusting to them. You don't care about anything else but your position and feel. Fencing seems to be the same way. Anytime I just stop thinking about what exactly I'm doing and just go with what feels correct, I end up moving smoother and striking with more speed and accuracy.

Plus, it's really nice to be able to just shut your personality off. Putting on the mask, like the goggles and headphones, allows me to shut off the ego. I could be anyone, so it's easier to just be no one. Leaving your ego at the door allows you to stop worrying about everything else, and focus on that one activity. The only problem is turning that back on when I get in the car; I was still focused and not myself when I started driving last night, and had to quickly remember "yes, paying attention while driving is vastly different than it is when riding/fencing."

This post was kinda introspective today, and not my usual prattling. Don't get used to it; I just feel content today for whatever reason. Maybe I still am not turned back on.

But with that, I will leave you with a swordfighting quote from Pirates of the Carribbean:

"Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.

-You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd kill you.

That's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it?"

And in this time of ups and downs, so nice to know there are jackalopes around

I'm not in a good mood today. I can't really put my finger on a specific cause, but I have stomach pains. Not like "oh I hate you Buckles, you made me eat something that will burn worse coming out than going in" or "oh, that shrimp had the consistency of stale oatmeal, this isn't going to end well" but more the "why am I so fucking nervous over nothing" stomach pains. And it's stupid because I don't really have anything to be nervous about. Scratch that, I have absolutely nothing to be nervous about. Being nervous requires anticipation of a future event, and the fear of that situation. I honestly have nothing planned further along than day to day (besides my spa appointment, but that is more of a "fuck yes" than an "oh god no" situation). So, what's up mind and body? What are you trying to warn me about?

It's possible the complete and utter lack of anticipation could be making me nervous. I've never been very good at living in the moment, preferring to look ahead to the future as a way to set goals and not worry about the present. Now that I don't have anything to look forward to, maybe my body is freaking out due to the lack of drive and goals.

I really don't know, but I figured rambling about it might make me feel better. But, I was wrong.

I'll leave you with Ocean's Eleven (the new one, because Sinatra would have never asked this):

"Does he make you laugh?

-He doesn't make me cry."

I live and die for hip hop, this is hip hop for today

Oh man, I am sore. They (those mythical people who are just supposed to show up and give you heads ups like "hey, she has a penis" or "no, you aren't faster than that car") never explained that stretching on a regular basis actually might have some long-term benefits. Namely the ability to walk and not limp along with groin pain. Although, considering how little I've actually used my groin, or anything connected to it recently, I think I'll survive. Fencing really is helping me focus and get out of my mind. It's not easy, but it's simple. Advance, retreat, thrust, lunge, reform, etc. Obviously I have years to go to actually be good, but it's really easy to lose myself in going back and forth. Thrust, parry, retreat, lunge.

I thought I had something poignant to say, but really, I'm just rambling now about nothing, so I'm going to leave you with a little back and forth from Say Anything:

"Lloyd, why do you have to be like this?

-Cause I'm a guy. I have pride.

You're not a guy.

-I am.

No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy."

I'm not sure you can get AIDS by burning down your house, but I get your point

So it was a weekend for the ages.

Seriously, I went to horse racing. And not like stand down in the stands (aka steerage) but sit up in the boxes. I really wanted to wear some seersucker and put on a straw hat and sip mint juleps, but I don't own either of those items, and me and whiskey isn't the greatest combination with my mental state. Not that I'm crazy, you internet people.

I guess the biggest surprise(?) was the usual, ex situation. I just don't understand how to separate the physical from the emotional. Did I miss a class or lesson about that during man school? Seriously, that's like one of the tenets of being male. Thou must have guilt-free emotionless sex. It comes right before Thou must look, but not touch, thy friend's sister and right after Thou shalt drink copiously. I definitely fulfilled that last commandment, because drinking Malibu out of the bottle straight seemed like a good way to chase a really nice bottle of wine. I think the coconut really highlighted the flavors of the grapes.

On a slightly cheerier note, I played my second round of golf in 15 years, and didn't completely embarrass myself or my grandfather (Reid II who taught me). On 17 (Par 3, 182 yards) first shot put me onto the green within 5 yards of the pin. Basically felt like a bad ass. Which is ironic, because I was playing golf.

This week is dedicated to attempting to figure out exactly what I want out of this week. Seriously, if I go any more into my head, I'm thinking I'll find Fraggles.

So, internet people (or person, lets be honest about this), I will leave you with not just a movie quote, but also a TV quote. Crazy, I know, but don't worry, it isn't precedent. First, a line from Senator Jay Billington Bulworth (from the movie Bulworth):

"You know, there's a lesson here, which is never try to make life or death decisions when you're feeling suicidal."

And the second, well, you should figure it out:

"Dance your cares away,

Worry's for another day.

Let the music play,

Down at Fraggle Rock."

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So I just got back from 3 days in Artesia, NM. Interesting place; reminds me of Gunnison without the scenery and outdoor pursuits. On the other hand, I get to collaborate with some of the smartest business people I have ever met. Awesome and a half, right?

I had some trouble on the golf course; I don't remember anything my Poppop (Reid 2) taught me, and pretty much embarrassed the shit out of myself. It's weird, but I feel like he might be happier if I did remember what I was doing or would put in the time to learn his passion.

With that, here is a line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off -

"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it."

Internet Dating

So it's kinda depressing that I'm writing about romance twice in two days, but hush. Last night was messing around on my iPhone, looking at what the "Genius" thought I should download, and like half of the apps were dating/romance/whatever apps. Seriously Apple? I have never downloaded one of those, so why do you think I would? Just cause I'm reading/playing games during prime date time does not mean you need to bombard me with dating help.

On an unrelated note, I am now trying out three of the stupid dating apps they suggested. Too bad Midland isn't Dallas/Fort Worth/Austin/Houston, cause there are like 3 people here who use any form of internet dating.

But, I shall leave you with a quote from Waiting:

"So are you going to talk to her or are you just gonna hope you're never forced to make an actual decision?"

-"I'm going with option B."

"That's my boy."

Confusion, reconsidered

So this post is kinda similar to one I wrote a few years ago (oh snap, I just hinted that I have another blog hidden somewhere in the great expanse that is the Interwebs.) But it fits with today, so without reading it (and bothering to remember where I actually wrote it) I'm just going to stream of consciousness it.

I think the biggest reason I can't find a relationship isn't the fact that I'm weird/eccentric/whatever, but that I base my relationships off ridiculously impossible models. I can remember watching Pretty Woman (shut up) when I was younger, and thinking to myself 1) damn, Julia Roberts is fine, 2) I want to be Richard Gere when I grow up, and 3) That is how a relationship should work. The woman should fall for you, you do something stupid and screw it up, and then a momentous effort of romantic forte makes her realize that you do in fact love her and want to spend you life with her. Name a romantic comedy/drama, and I can almost guarantee this exact progression. Boombox over the head, running after the parcel truck, showing up at her house and going with her to her niece/nephew's christmas musical (Say Anything, Runaway Bride, Love Actually, for those of you actually keeping count). How ridiculous is it that I have to base my thoughts on romance and relationships off what other people have written to make money? Does that not frighten anyone else?

The other base that I can identify for my thoughts on romance comes from a TV show whose main character I identify with so much that it borders on creepy. John D. Dorian and Elliot Reid. God damnit, but they are perfect for each other. Seriously, their individual neuroses play off each other so well, it's almost as if they were meant for each other (yes, sarcasm). But seriously, who didn't watch Season 1 Episode 1 (My First Day) and immediately know "no matter how long it takes, they're getting married." Realistically, yeah right. Challenge: Find two people who have flirted and been on and off for seven years and see how likely that is. There's a reason that people date on and off, and it tends not to be "oh so we can get married later."

On the other hand, maybe I'm just bitter and cynical.

I'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite movies, Casablanca.

"You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can! Play it!"

Cause for Concern

Now, I'll start by saying I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, or even the first person to talk about it.

To frame that, I just finished reading The Big Short by Michael Lewis (all about the sub-prime mortgage loan crisis and the ensuing catastrophe). My boss encouraged me to read it (including buying me a copy) and kept commenting on how greedy/evil the bankers are. Obviously drawing the parallels to "Wall Street" and "Wall Street 2" would be too easy, so I'll just let them be.

Why is it that I feel more interest and empathy towards the so-called villains in these tales? Why do I not really care about the people who were suckered into mortgages so far above their potential to pay them that it boggles the mind?

I don't consider myself evil, but maybe the label "materialistic" would be one that fits me to a T. Yes, I like nice things, and yes, I want to be wealthy. Why does being wealthy automatically mean that you're evil? I understand that screwing people over to become wealthy is generally an unaccepted position, but at the same time, how many of them wouldn't choose to do the same to me if they had the chance? Isn't it human nature to look out for the good of ones self (Citing Cracked.com might seem strange, but The MonkeySphere is possibly the clearest written way to explain what I mean).

I wasn't really planning on going anywhere with this, so I'll just leave it with a quote from Gordon Gekko.

"The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind."

New place; new things

So I guess I'll try this whole blog thing out, seeing as how everyone and their mother (actually just my sisters) have them.

Well, Texas has been interesting so far. I will say that moving first to a town of 8,000 people where you know 1 person and then to a city of 120,000 where you know zero is definitely a change. For the better? Maybe. Sometimes I do miss CA, where I know people, and I can be proud of being from there, but at the same time, I know that if I was back in the Bay I would end up falling back into the same pits I climbed out of to move to Gunnison. I guess my success is vindicating; knowing that I can succeed somewhere completely unknown.

I really should get out and meet people, but maybe I'm just not a social person. I hate the idea of camping out at a bar just to maybe meet some new people, but at the same time, I haven't really had any success at BN. Fencing has been a good way to be active and social, but it's just different than how things were in Gunnison. Maybe that's why everyone always says "these are the best years of your life"; not because you are having the time of your life, but you make your best friends then.

Hmm, oh, pet peeve of the day/week/however often I update this thing: People who don't pull forward during green lights in left turn lanes. Seriously, if you pull partway into the lane, you can possibly squeeze a turn into a gap in the traffic, or make your left when the light turns yellow. You are slowing down everyone else trying to make a left.